Coping with Death

Death... how is it that one word can rouse so many emotions?

My experience with death has been a bitter-sweet one. So far, I've lost a great-grandma and a grandma and currently both my grandfathers are on their death beds. Of all the people in my life that have died (or are dying), I've had the privilege of being by their side up until the end. I must say, though, watching someone die is one of the hardest things in life.

Like I said before, being with them every step of the way is a privilege, but it can also be a curse. This might be hurtful for some people to read, but it is the truth. Death can be fast, or it can be as drawn out as heck. As of now, I'm staying with my granddad that is farther away from home but closer to death. I'll spare you most of the details but he had lung cancer (from smoking) and was cured as far as we knew. About a month ago, he went back to the doctors and a new scan revealed a brain tumor and more lung cancer.

He slowly regressed and now he is in a bed 24/7, watching soap operas. I'm honestly not even sure if he knows that's what he's watching. Last night he had a few times were he stopped breathing, and as scared as I was that he might give up, I was somewhat relieved that the pain of him being like he is now would be gone and grief would takeover. He's fine today though... actually smiling, but not for the family. For a friend.

He's never been the sort to show affection. After his wife (my Nona) died, he started calling me his "favorite" granddaughter (favorite is in quotes because I'm his only granddaughter). That was the extent of his affection. He has never once told me that he loved me. In fact, I've never heard of him ever saying it to anyone. Still, to this day, when we tell him we love him before we go back home, he will never say it back.

I feel like I'm ranting, but to anyone else who knows what I'm going through, you know that it's good to talk about this and get everything out. I try to be strong for my family, my mother and father have gotten quite mushy over the years, but I know, when the time is right, I will let it all out. This is just the first step.

Part of me wishes we had gotten a phone call saying that he had died, or that he only had a few days left. We might not have been able to say goodbye, but we would have kept our sanity and not died inside ourselves so much...